No absentism permitted!

Anonymous individual from the ABC newsroom

NOTICE TO ALL PERSONNEL

Due to the excessive amount of absence during the past few weeks, it has been necessary to put the following rules and procedures into operation immediately.



SICKNESS


The department will no longer accept your doctor's certificate as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to attend work.



DEATH - YOUR OWN


This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we would like two weeks notice since we feel it is your duty to train someone for your job. In addition, your co-operation is requested in discouraging your colleagues from attending your funeral, or see next paragraph.



DEATH - OTHER THAN YOUR OWN


This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and henceforth, no time will be allowed for funerals. However, in case this should cause hardship to some of our employees, the department has a special scheme in conjunction with the local council for lunch-time burials, thus ensuring that no time is lost from work. The canteen will provide a packed lunch wrapped in black on request.



LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR OPERATION


We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may have of needing an operation, and henceforth no leave of absence will be granted for hospital visits. The department believes that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you already have, and should not consider any of it removed. We engaged you for your particular job, with all your parts and having removed any would mean that we would be getting less than we originally contracted to pay for. Where an operation is unavoidable, re-negotiation of salary will accordingly take place.



VISITS TO TOILETS


Far too much time is being spent on this particular job or practice. In future, the procedure will be that all personnel shall go in alphabetical order. In other words, those whose surnames begin with "A" will go from 9.30 a.m to 9.45 a.m. And "B" will go from 10.00 a.m. To 10.15 a.m. etc.


N.B. Those of you who are unable to attend at your appropriate times will have to wait until the next day, when your time comes around again.


Please also note that those toward the end of the alphabet may have to work overtime in order to qualify under this scheme.