Jokes galore

Anonymous. Sent in by various individuals

Irish Jokes

Q. How do you sink an Irish submarine?
A. Knock on the hatch.

* * *

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

* * *

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They ran out of scaffolding.

* * *

Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun...

* * *

Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter.

His pal McGinty saw him and called, 'Sean, me boy, are ye a feared of a few spots o' rain, now?'

Sean replied, 'I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter.'

* * *

Did you hear about the Irish weightlifter who thought a 'clean and jerk' was a shower and a wank!

* * *

Blonde Jokes

Q. What do you call a blonde with half a brain?

A. Gifted!

* * *

Q. How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A. There's white-out on the screen.

* * *

Q. Why do blondes use white-out on their computer screens?

A. They couldn't find their eraser.

* * *

Q. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A2. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

* * *

Q. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A. They keep breaking them with the hammers.

* * *

Q. Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?

A. To see what was on the other side.

* * *

Q. Why do blondes have square boobs?

A. Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

* * *

Q. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A. She fell out of the tree.

* * *

Q. What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?

A. Last year's hide and seek champion.

* * *

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.

'Six, please,' the blonde said. 'I could never eat twelve pieces.'

* * *

Two blondes decided to rob a bank. They planned the event meticulously over a period of several weeks.

Then came the day to execute the plan. Buffy was the driver of the getaway car. They got to the bank and, as Wendy was about to get out, Buffy asked one more time, "Have you got the plan straight in your mind?" Wendy, of course, replied that she did; and Buffy reminded her that she could be in the bank for no more than 3 minutes.

Wendy went in as Buffy waited outside in the car with the motor running. One minute passed...then two...three...five...seven. Buffy began to get really nervous.

Suddenly Wendy emerged from the bank pulling a safe which she had obviously wrapped securely with the other end of the rope. Just as she got the safe into the trunk of the car, a security guard burst from the bank, unable to run very fast because his pants were at his ankles, hobbling him.

As they drove away, Buffy was furious at Wendy.

"How many times do I have to tell you," she screamed, "tie up the guard and blow the safe."

* * *

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

* * *

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains and says to the salesperson:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised salesman replies, "But madam, computers do not need curtains...."

And the blonde said, "Hellllllloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

* * *

Q. What's brown and red and black and blue?

A. A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

* * *

Jokes about men and women

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?

A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

* * *

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

* * *

Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A. 45 lbs.

* * *

Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A. 45 minutes.

* * *

Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

* * *

Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?

A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.

* * *

Q. Why are men and parking spaces alike?

A. Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.

* * *

Q. What have men and floor tiles got in common?

A. If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

* * *

Male Jokes

Q. Why do men become smarter during sex?

A. Because they are plugged into a genius.

* * *

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?

A. They don't have enough time

* * *

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

A. They don't stop to ask for directions

* * *

Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?

A. So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

* * *

Q. Why did god make men before women?

A. You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

* * *

Q. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?

A. Don't know...... it never happened.

* * *

Q. Why did God put men on earth?

A. Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

* * *

Musician's Jokes

Q. What is a civilized person?

A. Someone who can play the accordion but won't.

* * *

Q. How do you know when a lead singer is knocking on your front door?

A. He doesn't know when to come in and he can't find the key.

* * *

Q. How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your front door?

A. The knock slows down.

* * *

Q. How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Eleven. One to do it, and ten to watch him and say, "I can do that faster."

* * *

Q. How many country western singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.

* * *

Q. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A. A flat minor (miner!)

* * *

Q.Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?

A. To get away from the noise.

* * *

Q. What happens if you play blues music backwards?

A. Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

* * *

Religious Jokes

Q. What is a real Jewish dilemma?

A. Free ham.

* * *

Q. How was copper wire invented?

A. Two jews fighting for one cent.

* * *

Q. Who is the most constipated man in the Bible?

A. David. On the throne for 40 years.

* * *

Two nuns knock on the front door, and a child opens it.

'Can you give us something for our charity asylum?'

'Sure!' said the child. 'Hey, grandpa, come here!'

* * *

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good. He had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife and his children were healthy and good-natured. As for the religious man, his job was strenuous and his wages were low; his wife was getting fatter every day; and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.

So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: 'Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?'

And a great voice was heard from above: 'BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!'

* * *

Q. How do you get holy water?

A. You boil the hell out of it.

* * *

Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.

St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: 'What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?'

1st nun: 'Adam and Eve.'

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

St. Paul: 'What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?'

2nd nun: 'An apple.'

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.

And finally it came the turn of the last nun.

St. Paul: 'What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?'

After a few minutes thinking she says, 'Gosh, that's a hard one!'

The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates!

* * *

Three guys kick the bucket on Christmas Eve and ascend to heaven where they are met by St Peter.

"In honor of the season," St Peter says to them, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas."

The first man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out two lighters. He holds them up proudly and flicks them on.

"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.

"They're candles!"

"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"

The second man fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a couple of sets of keys. He holds them up proudly and shakes them.

"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.

"They're bells!"

"Ah, you may pass through the pearly gates!"

The third man fumbles desperately through his pockets, finally pulling out a skimpy pair of silky, crotchless woman's panties. He holds them up proudly.

"What do they symbolize?" St Peter asks.

"They're Carol's!" (as in Christmas Carols)

* * *

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A. A mechanic!

* * *

Animal Jokes

Q. What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?

A. Bloody great big holes all over Australia.

* * *

Q. Why do ducks have flat feet?

A. To stamp out forest fires.

* * *

Q. What do you give a seasick elephant?

A. Lots of room.

* * *

Q. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?

A. Dam!

* * *

Q. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A. Because they have big fingers.

* * *

Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?

A. Because it scares the dog.

Lawyer's Jokes

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. How many can you afford?

* * *

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

* * *

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then, St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, 'I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?'

St. Peter replied, 'Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!'

* * *

Light Bulb Jokes

Q. How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.

* * *

Q. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.

* * *

Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience.

* * *

Q. How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. They don't need to, they glow in the dark.

* * *

Q. How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. 16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and say, "Good on yer, mate!"

* * *

Q. How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

* * *

Q. How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.

* * *

Q. How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

* * *

Q. How many Mafia members does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to change the light bulb and one to kill the witness.

* * *

Q. How many academics does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

* * *

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there going "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

* * *

Q. How many executives does it take to change a light bulb?

A. A roomful - they have to hold a meeting to discuss all the ramifications of the change.

* * *

Q. How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?

A. I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

* * *

Q. How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is when it is screwed in.

* * *

Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

A. One. Men screw anything.

* * *

Q. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

* * *

Q. How many unemployed actors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. A hundred. One to change it, and 99 to stand around and say, 'Hey, I could've done that!'

* * *

General Life Jokes

"This package is too heavy," said the post-office clerk. "You'll have to put another stamp on it."

"But," protested the customer, "that'll make it even heavier!"

(Joel Doak of Thornleigh, NSW)

* * *

The men were closing their small casino about 2 a.m. when a beautiful woman came in and said she wanted to gamble $2000 on one roll of the dice. She insisted that one roll would take only a minute so, deciding that the odds were in their favour, the men agreed.

The woman put down her money, and they put down theirs. Then she said, "Wait just a moment," and went to the ladies' room. She came out a minute later, stark naked, and rolled the dice. "Seven," she said and picked up the money, returned to the ladies' room, dressed and left.

"Did you see that seven?" one man asked the other.

"No." he replied. "I thought you did."

(Boyce Kesterson)

* * *

Sheldon: "I understand you've been going to a psychiatrist. Do you think it has helped you?"

Lloyd: "It certainly has. Only a few weeks ago when the phone rang, I was afraid to answer it. Now I go right ahead and answer it whether it rings or not."

(Nancy Sciortino in Super Automotive Service)

* * *

Never hire a plumber who wears rubber boots or an electrician with scorched eyebrows.

* * *

A sign in an optician's window reads: "If you can't see what you want, you've come to the right place."

* * *

Sign in the window of a florist's shop: "End-of-season clearance sale! Catch us with our plants down."

* * *

"I know a guy who's such a loser,"says comedian Joey Adams, "that at their wedding, his bride showed up with a date."

* * *

Two men were fence-mending on a remote sheep station when one found his pliers were missing. "I reckon I left them on a strainer post about five kilometres away," he said to his mate. "Can you go and check?"

The other man returned hours later, hot and panting. "Yep," he gasped. "They're there."

(Linda Johnson of Yarra Junction, Victoria)

* * *

The young couple invited the local minister for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal,the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. that?"

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," " said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mum, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

* * *

Overheard: "I've worked out why this crazy game is called golf - it's because all the other four-letter words have been taken."

(Harold Phillips)

* * *

"It's so annoying when my dentist starts up a conversation while he's working on my teeth," one guy said to another.

"I know just what you mean," replied his friend. "But my Uncle Edgar used to drive his dentist crazy."

"How so?"

"He was a ventriloquist."

(Johnny Hart, Creators Syndicate)

* * *

Employment-agency interviewer to job-hunting client: "We'll have to highlight your good points."

Client: "I've been fired 15 times."

Interviewer: "What's so good about that?"

Client: "I'm no quitter.'

(Joe Martin, Field Newspaper Syndicate)

* * *

A harassed executive parked his car at the airport and reached his flight with only minutes to spare. Once aboard, he struck up a conversation with a man in the seat across the aisle, remarking how good the visibility was.

"Indeed," said the fellow passenger. "From here you can even see a red BMW in the car park with its lights left on."

(Lance Andrews)

* * *

In the window of a delicatessen: "Eggs are good value. Still 12 to the dozen."

In front of a paint shop: "Ladies - you can get thinner for only $1.09."

On the back of a Californian police car: "Smile - I could be behind you."

* * *

Two fathers were discussing their children. "So tell me," said one, "how's your youngest doing at university?"

"I think he's doing well," replied the other. "He's studying languages, but it's costing me a fortune. Last month, I got one account for Latin, another for French, and a whopper for Scotch."

(David Biggs, Best South African Jokes)

* * *

"I have a friend who's so into recycling,"says comedian Rita Rudner, "that she won't consider marrying a man unless he's been married before."

(Comic Relief 1990: HBO)

* * *

A man knocks at the door of a fortune teller. "Who's there?" she asks. He goes away, disenchanted.

(Ivan Freitas)

* * *

Several months after I had joined a band as a guitarist, a member of the audience asked us why we called ourselves Mixed Emotions.

"Because," our keyboard player replied, 'when you hear us, you don't know whether to laugh or cry."

(Robert Schairer)

* * *

My husband was in a crowded lift when one of the occupants launched into a high-speed monologue. As the lift slowly made its way towards the ground floor, everyone had to endure the woman's life story, her opinion of the concert she had just attended and of music in general. When at last the doors opened, she was saying, "I play seven instruments myself, you know."

My husband smiled sweetly and delighted his fellow sufferers by saying, "And I bet they're all wind instruments too."

(Judith Player)

* * *

When my father's company hired a consultant to improve efficiency, he immediately called a meeting of all workshop personnel. In stessing the importance of follwoing a set plan of engineering procedures, he gave this analogy: "You are on the 'Titanic', and it's sinking. You find yourself in a lifeboat. It's dark and hazy. In which direction would you row?"

"Now you're in the same situation, but you have the ship's navigator with you. Which way would you row ? You'd row the way the navigator told you to, right?"

There were murmurs of agreement in the crowd until a man at the back piped up. "Well, I don't know," he said. "He's already hit one iceberg!"

(Sarah Jo Plucker)

* * *

"With today's movies," says Bob Hope, "if we took out all the bad language, we'd go back to silent films."

* * *

The trouble with doctors is that they give you an appointment six weeks ahead, then examine you and ask, "Why did you wait so long to see me?"

* * *

And then there was the spotted owl who said to his wife: "What do you mean you have a headache? We're an endangered species!"

(John Bunzel)

* * *

A woman went to a dentist to have her false teeth adjusted for the fifth time. She said they still didn't fit. "Well," said the dentist, "I'll do it again this time, but no more. There's no reason why these shouldn't fit your mouth easily."

"Who said anything about my mouth?" the woman answered- "They don't fit in the glass!"

(The Speaker's Handbook of Humour, edited by Maxwell Droke (Publisher: Harper & Row))

* * *

As an aid to self-evaluation, one of my teaching colleagues always included this question in his final exams: "What did you think of this course?"

He discontinued the practice when he received the following response: "This was the most complete course I ever took. Anything we didn't go over during lectures was covered in the final exam."

(William Hassler)

* * *

I had enrolled at a French university for a year's course in French language and culture. On the first morning, I squeezed in at the back of the lecture room along with 30 or 40 other students.

The lecturer looked around the crowded room. "The subject," he began in French, "is philosophy, and today I will speak so rapidly and the subject matter will be so difficult that next week there will be room for everyone to sit down."

He did...and there was.

(M. Menzies)

* * *

Thanks to automatic teller machines,we no longer have to tell children that money doesn't grow on trees. They now think it comes out of a wall.

(Loretta Swisher)

* * *

Sign on the window of a house: "Warning to all burglars: We are vegetarians, but the dog is not!"

(Fernando Pereira)

* * *

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10 October 1995:

#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."

#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again divert YOUR course."

#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."

#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"

#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

* * *

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said ,"That would be okay", and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to him."

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine." So, poof - she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

* * *

Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

A. Polaroids.

* * *

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A. A stick.

* * *

Q. What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A. A bad golfer goes, Whack! "Damn!"

* * *

Q. What's black and goes at one hundred miles per hour across the desert?

A. An Ethiopian with a MacDonald's voucher.

NOTE: We apologise profusely for this one. To be fair on all Ethiopians, we welcome jokes about Western cultured people as we deserve the occasional kick in the backside.

* * *

Did you hear about the man who went to the zoo only to find there was a dog and nothing else? It was a shitzu.

* * *

Miscellaneous

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arse in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

* * *

Guaranteed Weight Loss

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.

Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone.

This is our most rigorous program." Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

* * *

The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said. The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

* * *

A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

* * *

Guy 1: "Did you know you've got a steering wheel up your bum?"

Guy 2: "Yeah, and it's driving me nuts!"

Acknowledgment: From the Australian TV comedy Good News Week, August 2009.

* * *

Did you hear about the story of the gay rabbit? He had a hair (i.e. hare) stuck up its arse.

* * *

Did you hear about the turtle visiting New York who got mugged by a gang of snails? Apparently the police investigator interviewed the turtle and asked, "What happened?". The turtle replied, "I dunno, it all happened so fast."

* * *

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane.

"I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at this desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a drover from Australia stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome, well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves... He removes his shirt... Muscles ripple across his chest... She gasps... He whispers...

"Iron this. Then get me a beer."

* * *

UFO Jokes

Q. Why do UFOs abduct white people?

A. Because they are real easy to spot in the dark.

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