The humble cucumber


  1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
  2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
  3. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't count.
  4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
  5. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
  6. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket...and you know how firm it is BEFORE you take one home.
  7. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
  8. You can go to a movie with a cucumber and still see the movie.
  9. A cucumber doesn't ask, "Am I the first?"
  10. A cucumber won't tell other cucumbers that you aren't a virgin.
  11. Cucumbers won't make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with your boots on.
  12. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
  13. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynaecologist, ski instructor, milkman or hairdresser.
  14. Cucumbers aren't into meaningful discussions.
  15. No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh cucumber.
  16. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
  17. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
  18. Cucumbers don't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on your pillow.
  19. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night....and you won.
  20. Cucumbers don't leave you wondering for a month.
  21. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
  22. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
  23. Cucumbers don't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
  24. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
  25. A cucumber will never leave you for another woman, another man, another cucumber.
  26. You always know where your cucumber has been.
  27. You don't have to wait until half-time to talk to your cucumber.
  28. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
  29. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the fridge.
  30. It's easy to drop a cucumber.